A Dandelion In The Wind…

I have felt, for most of my life, like a dandelion in the wind. Filled with dreams, hope, and possibility, until the winds of reality reduce me to nothingness. I have always tried and wanted to make others happy, even if that meant sacrificing most of me, and for years. Family has always been most important in my life- the family created when i married my husband, Michael, and our children. Their happiness, and loving them was most important to me; however, it never occurred to me that my husband of more than 20 years did not share my view on marriage and commitment, nor was loving me and our children, or our happiness more important than what he wanted. I learned the hard way, after many years, that you can love someone with all your heart, and sacrifice everything for them; however, you will never change them. Love is wonderful, yet it can mask who a person is. Opposites often attract, so that a person who has different values, habits and childhood experiences from us, is an exciting person we are extremely attracted too; however, they might not have been truly in love with or attracted to us. It takes many years to find out who a person truly is, and what they are capable of. Sometimes, when you love someone, as i did, you will forget a lot of hurtful, abusive things a partner did, and signs, from the beginning, that they were never faithful, because it is too painful to deal with the truth! It is difficult to accept that someone’s intentions towards you, in making a life together, and committing to a family, were not true or honorable. Addictions, such as alcohol, drugs, pornography, and online/fantasy relationships can destroy a marriage, ruining relationships with a spouse and children, as well as lowering inhibitions and disregarding one’s inner moral compass, engaging in behavior and acts someone should never do. Am i bitter that i chose the wrong man to love? Someone who would never be capable of being true to, or loving only my children and myself, like a good husband and father? No, i am not bitter; however, i hope my children will learn from my many mistakes, and never have the broken heart i am left with for life… I hope they will take their time, and get to know the other person’s heart and intentions, before they commit their hearts. Also, the past truly is a good indicator of the future. Although no one should be solely defined by their past or locked into it, if a person has engaged in questionable or unlawful behaviors in the past, or has cheated on other partners, it does indicate how they are most likely to behave with you- no matter how much they say they “love” you. You could be someone’s “lovely wife” one day, and “bitch”, “c#nt” the next. You may be like me, and spend years trying to figure out what you did wrong, or why he was so mad at you, but the truth is, you will never get your answer- only heartache. I have made many mistakes in my life, and hope my children will always know that they are loved by me, and in my thoughts and heart always. I have told my children that if they ever have a problem or situation in life, that i am a parent who wants to know, and will talk with them and help them work it out- i will never shut my door or ostracize my children for any reason. I do not care if you view the world differently from me or whatever- know that i am here for you always! ❤ Back to the dandelion analogy… Although in this world i feel lost sometimes, i do hope, like the dandelion, that i can spread seeds of hope and strength- that through life’s difficulties, you CAN not only survive, but still love and have hope! I am a really old-fashioned woman, i must admit, and know it is quite common these days for divorced women to have live-in boyfriends; however, i still believe in marriage and commitment. I am not dating, nor do i have any online or real-life boyfriends- at this point in my life, and after being married for more than 20 years to a man i expected to live my life with until old-age and death, the most important thing to me is to focus on loving my children and their happiness. Trying to make up for all those years when i had blinders on and spent my time, energy, and love trying to please my husband and give myself to our children at the same time, too. For the rest of the time, while they are growing up, i will have a sole purpose and focus- raising our children with all of the love and attention this old, and not twenty year-old mom anymore, can. Old and tired i may be; however, love and hope will carry me. Someday, when my children are grown, and i hope happy and sharing life with someone who is committed for life to them and loves them, i hope that i will find the love of my life to share my last sunset with… If not, and i live the rest of my life alone, i will still die content and peacefully, if i know that my children are happy, safe, and loved… This is my wish, for ALL of You. Whenever i see a dandelion, i will think of you, and hope- for your futures ❤ Mom

 

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